Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Top 10 Signs We've Passed Hubbert's Peak.

Note: For background, read this first.

What to look for to let you know we've passed Hubbert's Peak:

10. Tim Evans of IFR, throwing in the towel, declares "oil stocks have reached a permanently higher plateau". In reaction, oil prices spike a further 50% overnight.

9. James Howard Kunstler is arrested at the former Neverland Ranch by Santa Barbara sheriff's deputies and charged with gross abuse of farm animals. [No, no, not what you think. It just turns out that some of these &*^%$# things are rather stubborn.] Neighbors observe that he had grown increasingly bitter in spite of all the fame, and that the millions he secretly made on oil futures and shorting the stocks of airlines and US car manufacturers never really brought him happiness.

8. General Motors introduces their miniHummer hybrid. It gets 19 MPG and is available in 5 cool colors. Honda, meanwhile, introduces the 11th generation of their hybrid Civic which gets 178 MPG, while parked returns power to the grid and downloads the latest Paris Hilton videos, and for those customers who occasionally forget, flosses.

7. United States President Hillary Clinton, surrounded on each side by resolute and purposeful looking Democratic colleagues, declares "This will not stand!" when a Saudi school child drops his ice cream in a Saudi branch of the American chain Baskin Robbins and doesn't clean it up. In retaliation, President Clinton announces Operation Black Gold Rush 2010 and orders US forces to launch operations against all major oil producing nations in the Middle East from Forward Operating Base Mesopotamia.

6. French President Jacques Chirac, upon being informed of Operation Black Gold Rush 2010, announces his countries' immediate support, gives authorization for "any and all US overflight rights", sends French forces to occupy Libya (post US seizure, of course..), and personally vows to round up a few dark-ish looking folks on his way back to Paris.

5. After protesting briefly the launch of Operation Black Gold Rush 2010, the Chinese, seeing American attentions diverted, seize the boundary waters of every Asian nation and overrun them with Chinese built clones of BP's ThunderHorse deepwater oil drilling platform. Surprisingly, the Chinese do not invade the actual island of Taiwan. Intelligence intercepts later reveal the Chinese premier exclaiming: "What the %#^& are we gonna do with more &*&^%$ laptop makers!?!"

4. Survivor: LA

3. Trump Oil files for bankruptcy.

2. Russian President Vladimir Putin announces the first of several stages of purges of Russian elites and elects himself "President for Life". Gazprom, Rosneft and Lukoil are merged into the Soviet secret police.

1. A video appears on the Internet of Paris Hilton having sex with a gas station attendant. Surprisingly, she appears to actually be into it this time.